i like this guy, who is, 16 years older than me, both of us have talked about it, and we feel like it wont effect how we feel for each other, if i could just get those around me to understand the same concept. I hate it, because i want to see what this guy is all about, but it kinda sucks because im being pushed two ways at once. ahh, i dont know, somebody tell me if this is ok to feel so much for someone so much older, or if its wrong and i should stop it! PLEASE

seriously i have never contemplated suicide as much as i do now, what the heck is wrong with me?
it just sux, i never thought that i would be forced into a position where im all alone, no where to turn to, and feeling worn out, and used by people who should care about me. i hate to complain to all of you, but im just so depressed... even puking does nothing anymore, im so numb to everything around me, showing no emotion what so ever. i cant even begin to explain it to people i hold even dear to my heart, infact even they are distant to me. it seems to me like im good to talk to if im the one listening to their problems, but the minute i start to tell mine, something comes up where they have to go. i just dont know how much more i can take. im stretched to the limit already. ...
i need help... seriously.

soooo, i have alot to fill you all in on! ( all of none of you, i have no friends, in which i came to talk about)

lately infact since january i have had it pretty hard! 
the only thing that kept me going was my boyfriend, who thought i was the world, i guess i thought the same about him too. 
i found out i was sick in january, nothing big... a couple antibiotics and i would be fine, but the antibiotics didnt work and im still dealing with it.
on top of that my mom has been in the hospital twice since febuary.... once on valintines day( i had to rush from my boyfriends side to make sure she was ok) they thought she had a heartattack, but thank God it was just a panic attack that lead her to hyperventalate. but then she was hospitalized for 3 days for pnuemonia! i was the mom for the weekend, it was so stressful, i dont think i would be ready for a kid, just by how that weekend showed me i was with parenting! 
along with all the sickness that has plaqued me and my family since january, me and my boyfriend broke up and i dont have the support of him anymore, now granted it was my decision to break things off, but that was because i felt as if i was an object of his affection and nothing more, and when you love someone it shouldnt be like that! i really felt a calling to break up with him from Jesus, it was like Jesus was telling me to run from a life of sin back into his arms, where i could rest and recouperate from everything that has been going on! 
                     also, about a week ago, i had a week off, and without a boyfriend i was left to the company of family and a few friends, whom i feel no deep inner feelings with! ive been dealing with bouts of loneliness, just because i feel like i cant get anyone to listen just for a second to what i have been going through, on top of that, they wouldnt understand, even if i did tell them. my last best friend is getting married and moving to rockford in about a week and a 1/2~! i should be happy for her, but instead im wallowing in my own self-pity, because i have no support, i have no friends!
even just yesterday my co-workers had a meeting( all of the other managers, minus me and karissa) about changing up what was going on, now im a night manager at camille's and i was astonished to come to the conclusion that one of the other managers would be doing a few of my nights in order to save on labor, expecially since she makes more than me! they want to keep me working there, and yet they dont want to pay me right or treat me with the respect i deserve. im very loyal and i do my job to the best of my abilities, you can ask any of the people i work with, including the other managers, so when i found this out, i immediately started thinking about other places i could grow my career as a manager( ultimately i want to become a business owner, i know i want to go to college, expecially with the economic recession going on, but im not sure for what)! 
                             i just realized that i am "finding" myself as they put it, you know im 18 and all, but it shouldnt be this hard, i should be in school instead of worrying about making bill payments! i should be furthering myself and my education, instead of worrying what my boss's think of me! im well aware of the fact that i did put myself in this situation, im well aware of the fact that the debt is mine( although normal parents would probably help out a little more than mine ever did, i saw it as them trying to raise me up to be a responsible adult) well, they got what they wanted, im responsible alright!!! so responsible, i dont even want to invest in furthering my education until i know what i want to do, because i am gonna have to pay for every dime of it, and i dont want to waste it on classes i wont need! OH K! sorry, i just need to vent, and since probably no one will read this, i can vent in here without any reprocussions!
i hate work, i hate the fact that i have no friends, i hate the fact that im am not at all related to any communities, that i would like to have time for, i hate the fact i cant go to school, i hate my ex-boyfriend~! wow, thats alot, ok thats all for now
shannon-anne